I’ll be completely honest with you. Father’s Day is ALWAYS a struggle bus for me. You know what it’s like. Social media flooded with pictures of “the best dad ever”, and just constantly being reminded all day of something I don’t have. This past Father’s Day was no different for me…and for other people I spoke to that day. For a lot of us Father’s Day was not-so-happy…

Photo by Lauren Lulu Taylor on Unsplash

Changing the narrative

Although I am reminded that day of the father I do not have and will never have, I try to stay grounded in what I do have – and that is plenty of love. I usually dedicate Father’s Day to my mom and to all the single mamas out there. To my stepdad, to my uncles, my father-in-law, & to my grandfather. To the people in my life who have lost their fathers tragically. To my friends/colleagues who are fantastic fathers. That is what gives me hope.

Let go of the guilt

As I’m writing this blog post I’m currently sitting in a local coffee shop. As I look up I see a little girl, probably around 5 years old with her Dad. In my head I am screaming with jealously – which at first I thought was ridiculous. A 26-year-old woman envying a 5-year-old and the relationship she has with her father. So not only am I being extremely jealous, I am now feeling guilty for being jealous over this sweet little girl. What is happening?!

Feel it. Then let it go.

Something I have allowed myself to do is to fully accept these feelings. No I don’t mean wallow in self-pity and play the “woe is me” card. I just mean accepting it. OF COURSE, I am going to be jealous. OF COURSE, I am going to feel sad. And that is okay. I’m allowed to feel these things. What I do not allow myself to do is judge myself for the feelings that I have, I validate myself & my feelings, and then I try not to let it affect every day life. I simply can’t.

Photo by Cristian Palmer on Unsplash

I truly feel like I’ve been through this for a reason. My reason? To help at least one little girl. One woman. One single mama. One person who feels like they are drowning in this pain of being abandoned by their father. I want to be someone’s arm as I pull them out of the water. I want to give you the tools/tips/tricks that allowed me to stop drowning. To stop feeling worthless. To start to feel a sense of purpose and a sense of bad-assery? Yeah not a word, but now it is.

Happy Father’s Day…to whoever you are celebrating. If you can’t think of anyone, celebrate yourself.

This Father’s Day I shared this quote on my socials:

This quote sparked conversations with two other strong women about their fathers. (or their lack of).

Woman #1

One girl wrote me to tell me she is getting married soon – how exciting! But on Father’s Day all she could think is how her & her father would never walk down the aisle together to the song they picked out. All because he decided that he did not want to be in her life anymore. She wanted my advice on whether she should ask her stepfather, who was more of a father to her than anyone. I told her that the life she was creating with her partner is so much more special than the mess her father left behind. I think it will be beautiful to have her stepdad walk her down the aisle – just because something is tradition doesn’t mean we can’t change it to make us feel more empowered.

Woman #2

Another girl wrote me and said this is the first Father’s Day that she hasn’t spoken to her dad. What I told her probably wasn’t what she wanted to hear – that it doesn’t get better. If you’ve come to this blog hoping to find someone who will tell you it’s all sunshine and rainbows I’m deeply sorry. You’ve come to the wrong place. I don’t believe that the pain lessens, I believe that we get stronger. I believe that every Father’s day will be tough for me and probably for you too. But I believe that each year I will create a life that makes me shine, a life that no one should ever choose to skip out on.

I will never sugar coat your pain around here. I will also never judge you for feeling any type of way. Our feelings need to be validated, they may not necessarily always need to be understood. I was truly overwhelmed with gratitude that both of these women were able to share those feelings with me – feelings that are vulnerable and real. I hope that I made them feel a little less alone, I hope I am making you feel a little less alone right now. So Happy Father’s day…or not.

Love Hilary (your girl with the daddy issues)

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