I always felt uneasy when those around me lost loved ones. Although I felt empathy for them, I also felt guilty because I too had lost someone. Maybe not in the same way as these people but I had to grieve my dad and our relationship and my entire life before my dad left. I always felt a lot of anger because of the lack of acknowledgment. When someone dies, there is typically a funeral or a memorial service, cards, & people asking how you were – I got none of that when my dad left. Call me selfish (and trust me I already have), but I wanted that acknowledgment. That validation of “Hey, I know he didn’t die, but he is gone and I see you”. The Daddy Issues Club is striving to validate women everywhere that the grief of a parent can come in many forms – let’s leave the guilty grief at the door.
I never stopped to consider how my daddy issues would come into play when I finally lost a loved one. As humans naively think, I thought I had time. I figured I would lose my grandparents first, and then of course as I got older I would lose other family members and loved ones. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect to get a particular phone call in March of 2023. I was working an overnight shift at the hospital when I got the call from my mom – my Uncle Mark had tragically passed away. Losing my Uncle was a pain I never could have imagined. Here are some things I have learnt about myself through this…
Me & my uncle in a cuddle pile. We were like siblings – constantly bickering/picking on each other.
Thoughts that went through my head
- “I’ve already lost someone close to me, I can do it again.”
- “You thought you could have another father figure, jokes on you.”
- “You don’t deserve to have Mark in your life, therefore he is being taken away from you.”
- “Life was going too good, something had to happen.”
- “You don’t deserve good things.”
Very quickly I was spiralling out of control. A lot of the same doubts and sadness started creeping in again. But quickly I reminded myself: “You are not responsible for what happened to you, but you are responsible for what you do about it”. This has been my motto ever since my dad left and I knew it would get me through this tragedy.
Photo by Yuris Alhumaydy on Unsplash
Thoughts that also went through my head
- “Clearly life is too short to not live your most authentic life. You cannot do everything just to please other people.”
- “Me & my family will survive this, I’m not sure how, but we will.”
- “I am making a promise to myself to go to therapy once a month.”
- “I will live each day remembering & honouring Mark in the best way I know how – showing up as authentically as I can.”
- “I’ve been thinking about this Daddy Issues idea for so long, the time to start working on it is now.”
Things I did that helped me grieve:
- Surrounded myself with people who loved me, who knew I was struggling a bit, but showed up for me and pushed me to be a better person (aka I decided to put nursing on the back burner & become a Realtor – another moment of YOLO for me).
- Sat with my grief. Was I always good at this? No. I flung myself into working as a nurse & a Realtor, running a book club & trying to start this blog. There were days I was so busy but the moment I stopped the thoughts of Mark came crashing in to the point of it being debilitating. I knew that I couldn’t run from my emotions but learnt that sometimes you need to be a big kid, and sit with those emotions. Let it hurt you. It is going to hurt whether you run from it or not.
- Leaned into books/poetry. This one won’t be for everyone but it worked for me. I find of lot of comfort in reading and writing (clearly) so it helped me not only sit with those emotions but find comfort in other people’s journeys (there is so much power in community I promise you). A book I really enjoyed was ‘It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok by Megan Divine’
- Leaned on my people. Told my people when I wasn’t feeling good. I knew that I had to do this and not isolate myself. Grief is a journey best not taken alone.
There are daisies featured all throughout my brand/website which represents Mark’s birth flower. He is the reason for everything I do.
Guilty grief, no more.
The biggest thing I did for myself is to let go of all of the guilt I felt over the years. I felt like I grieved my dad but no one noticed it. It wasn’t a big tragedy with an obituary, with flowers, or with a service. It was quiet, it was dark & gloomy & really lonely. Along with that guilt, I felt guilty when I lost my uncle that other people were grieving more than me. I was comparing guilt levels which seems so ridiculous now. I’ve learnt that grief comes in all weird shapes and sizes. I also don’t believe grief gets any better. Yes you read that right. I don’t think losing someone magically will get better one day. But I do believe in something much greater – I believe we become a different version of ourselves. Probably not the one we wanted. But the person we had to become to keep going, to keep loving.
Love Hilary (your girl with the daddy issues)
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