I recently had someone tell me I should forgive my father. At first, it caused me to get super defensive and a little angry. But I also realized that people’s opinions are just that – their opinions. I also realize that not everyone knows the whole story. I always try to value others’ points of view, so I took a deep dive into forgiveness and what that really means to me.
I really sat with the concept of forgiving my father and to put myself in that situation where I could forgive him. I asked myself “well, why should I forgive him?”.
Should I forgive him for walking away from our family and never looking back? Should I forgive him for taking my education money away? Or maybe I should forgive him for getting married without even telling me about it or having me be a part of it in any way?
Should I forgive him for his wife staring and pointing at me at my place of work or even in professional settings? Should I forgive him for never showing up to my uncle’s funeral? For not even calling to see if I was okay after experiencing a traumatic death?
Should I forgive him for not seeing me graduate high school? Should I forgive him for not seeing me struggle in university before finally deciding to be a nurse? Should I forgive him for not seeing me graduate nursing school and start a career that almost broke me? Should I forgive him for not seeing me for 13 years?
Oh! Well, maybe I should forgive him for the stress of not knowing what I was going to do at the ‘father-daughter’ dance during prom. Should I forgive him for the constant rejection and sadness that I had to crawl out from under? Or should I forgive him for the hours of therapy I’ve had to go through just to get out of the depression I was faced with, the panic I felt when anyone would leave me… even just to go to the bathroom?
I guess I should just forgive him for refusing to meet with me even when my high school guidance counselor set up a meeting for me to see him after school. Should I forgive him for walking away from me so many years ago? Should I forgive all the nights I wonder if he has ever thought of me?
I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m bitter because I’m really not. I believe myself to be a very forgiving and accepting person. But at what point do I forgive? At what point do I say that this is okay? A child should not have to beg her father for a relationship. A child should not have to wonder if they will ever see their parent again. See, the thing for me is that forgiveness is not a prerequisite for moving on.
I’ll repeat that again.
Forgiveness is not a prerequisite for moving on.
Forgiveness and acceptance for me, may be totally different from you – and that is okay. Sometimes people’s stories are not as simple as they may look from the outside looking in.
What does forgiveness look like for you?
